Reflections on A (Sometimes Absurd Life) – Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Pumpkin-Free Happiness
By Mary Tanck
PHMOmag Columnist
For a long time, Connie Whitlock, the owner/editor of PHMO Mag, begged me to write about local politics. I adamantly refused because, as I explained to her, I am a radical Libertarian, and I would like to have some friends left in this town. To that end, I have largely stayed away from writing about politics.
However, there are some hills that a person must die on, and I am finally ready to speak out about one of the most divisive topics in America today. No, not bridge colors. Fall flavors. If pumpkin spice were a human, it would definitely be a cult leader – the type who sits and hums hypnotically while the cult members sign all their worldly possessions over to him. He’d probably be named something like Starby.
Can we admit that pumpkin is disgusting? Have you ever smelled a pumpkin? I know, you’re going to tell me that you like pumpkin roll – but do you know how much sugar it takes to make pumpkin desserts palatable? I dare say that you like the taste of cinnamon and sugar, perhaps a little nutmeg, but not pumpkin.
Apple is the superior fall flavor. Caramel apple, apple pie, apple spice, apple cinnamon… All are superior to pumpkin spice. The humble apple has remained relatively sane and classy – mostly taking over tea and cookies, like a civilized flavor should.
Somehow, in the mid 2000’s, pumpkin spice started a bid for world takeover. Today, a quick search of “fall flavors” on the Walmart grocery app brings up the usual suspects: pumpkin spice coffee creamer, pumpkin spice cold brew, pumpkin cookies. Those are reasonable, albeit gross, life choices. But the further down you scroll, the more sinister it gets…Pumpkin Spice Twinkies? Who made the decision to mess with perfection?
Don’t even get me started on the Target grocery aisle. You can purchase, and this is not a joke, honey pumpkin goat cheese ravioli. Only one of those things belongs in ravioli and it’s not the pumpkin. But the sweetness of honey is added to fool the consumer into thinking pumpkin in ravioli is a delicacy.
Pumpkin Spice Ice Cream Balls? What is happening in this world? These are un-delightful treats from the Favorite Day brand wherein the worst fall food in the world (pumpkin) is covered in the best food ever (chocolate) and called delicious. Delicious isn’t even in the same ball field as this monstrosity! It’s playing in whatever the opposite of a ball field is (competitive grave digging maybe?).
I also found, in a dark scary corner of the Target app, Pumpkin Spice M&M’s. Is that even legal? If they are legal, we should aggressively petition to have them outlawed. If anyone ever serves me a Pumpkin Spice M&M, I will immediately call the police. This level of derangement is simply unsustainable.
I tolerated the ubiquitous pumpkin spice lattes and yogurt. I thought, “I’m a libertarian and am completely unaffected by the non-sense people want to put on their own tongues. I will just mind my own business and let them enjoy the suffering brought about by their own poor decisions.” But then something happened that rendered me unable to remain silent any longer.
Pumpkin spice cheese came along.
Let me say that again – you can buy Pumpkin Spice Cheese. Why? Were cheesemakers like, “Cheese is just so delicious. It is basically the perfect food and everyone in the world loves it, and no one even argues about it like they do everything else. We have become far too successful selling cheese. We need to gross it up a little (a lot) to slow down cheese sales.” Then they removed all the joy from cheese.
Eating pumpkin spice cheese is not a legitimate or reasonable life choice.
Sometimes I feel like the people in research and development departments of food manufacturers are having contests to see who can get the most unhinged pumpkin spice recipe into production and sales. It’s really the only explanation for this madness. (That or drugs. Competition and drugs both have alarming effects on otherwise normal people.)
When God made the world, He put Adam and Eve in Eden, a gorgeous garden described as paradise. There were apples and figs and honey. You know what wasn’t in the garden of Eden? Pumpkins. You know why? Because pumpkins are gross. Even Satan knew better than to think a naked woman could be tempted by a pumpkin.
I am a patient, even long-suffering, woman, but this lunacy needs to end. We need to protest. Let’s start with the cheese makers and go from there.
Today I urge you to find joy. Find joy by not consuming Pumpkin Spice M&M’s or, God forbid, pumpkin spice cheese.