Reflections on A (Sometimes Absurd) Life – Midwest Driveway Forum
By Mary Tanck
PHMOmag Columnist
I am convinced that, if more neighbors would just talk to each other, the world’s problems would all be solved in short order. I don’t mean the Biblical principle of letting someone know they sinned against you and hashing it out. No, I’m talking about a group of neighbors getting together to discuss legitimate solutions to the problems of this crazy old mind-addling floating rock we inhabit.
If you disagree, then you have either lost (or never properly learned) the fine art skill of the Midwest Driveway Forum. Hollywood likes to portray this time-honored foundation of Midwest culture as nothing more than 3 or 4 middle-aged men drinking beer and discussing their lawnmowers while their wives are inside making meat and mayonnaise salads; but nothing could be further from the truth.
To be sure, the discussion of lawnmowers does come up. After all, one needs to discuss whether a 3” pulley speeds up a mower enough to justify the cost. We also need to know how the guy 2 doors down modified his mower to make it faster and better. (This usually comes up in discussions of racing mowers in particular but can also apply to lawn mowers in general).
Don’t be deceived, though, the conversation is so much richer than Hollywood would have one think. For instance, this past Friday evening, I learned that my neighbor enjoys reading my local humor-ish column (shout out to LJ!). We also discussed the new Costco (we are unanimously pro-new Costco) and which famous little people would be fun to have at our next block party.
It’s not all bulk cheese purchases and famous visiting chefs though. The Midwest Driveway Forum is where neighbors gather to solve serious community issues. Let’s say your town council recently suggested introducing parallel parking downtown, which led to the discovery that a fair portion of the local population under the age of 40 admit to being unable to parallel park a vehicle. What is a town to do? The Midwest Driveway Forum knows! (Take their driver’s licenses until they learn – it’s literally on the driving exam and it’s not that hard. That’s according to the Midwest Driveway Forum, of course. I, personally, don’t mind if non-parallel parkers are out and about – it just leaves more parking spaces for me, a superior driver who can parallel park.)
Recently, a 4-wheeler disappeared from a home in my area and was presumed stolen. The Midwest Driveway Forum was on call with helpful suggestions such as, “Wait until it gets light, you probably just can’t see it outside in the dark,” and “You just forgot where you parked it. That’s a thing, you know!” The 4-wheeler was not found in the morning light, but the Midwest Driveway Forum did play a part in recovering the vehicle in record time and in excellent condition.
At our most recent Midwest Driveway Forum, the subject of the green bridge came up (a natural conversational progression from gold nuggets stamped with the Costco logo – available for a limited time only!). I just really felt like I hadn’t heard enough opinions about the new bridge and was glad for the opportunity to discuss it again to get a good grasp on my true feelings. Loyalties are divided on whether the green bridge was a landmark that should be repaired or an ugly, dilapidated threat to public safety. A compromise was reached, wherein, we decided the new bridge could just be painted green. The Silver Bridge Alliance is out of luck with this one.
Just kidding, I took liberties when I said we solved that issue. The Green Bridge Purists would never stand for painting the new concrete bridge green. The discussion was tabled for the next Midwest Driveway Forum.
Starting your own Midwest Driveway Forum is a simple matter – this is Missouri after all, home to friendly people. All you need to do is open your garage door (or shop door if you are outside city limits), turn on a light, and sit in the driveway with a beer or sweet tea until some neighbors join you. Then, you too, can be part of bringing about world harmony – well, local public parking harmony anyway.
Today I urge you to find joy. Start your own Midwest Driveway Forum. If you need ideas for conversation starters, might I suggest discussing the relative merits of pizza from the new Casey’s versus pizza from the old Casey’s versus the unmatched magnificence of Guido’s pizza?